This is a list of ten religious practices in the United States that will NEVER make sense to me. Say it with me, "WTF?!"
1.) Visits from Jehovah Witnesses
You're always very friendly, but please understand my disinterest in everything you have to say. By the way, if there are only a limited amount of spots in Heaven, why are you trying to lessen your chances by spreading the news?!
What scares me most is that people buy this bullshit (literally out of their pockets)! Joel Osteen's followers and U.S. taxpayers are financially supporting his elegant lifestyle. Oh, haven't you seen his $10.5 million mansion?
3.) Bris Ceremonies
This is a Jewish custom where an infant gets circumcised during a celebration. Personally, I'm not a fan of genital mutilation. If I haven't scarred you enough, adults can also choose to have a bris later in life.
4.) Faith Healing
Reverend Peter Popoff (in the picture above) "heals" people with his touch and prayers. He also sells Miracle Spring Water to help with your financial troubles. The next time I see this crook's picture, I hope it's a mugshot.
Of course the U.S. loves a holiday that celebrates American capitalism and wealth. Wait . . . what does this have to do with Christ, though? I hesitate to even call this a religious practice anymore. Unless, of course, you call knocking out an old lady during a mall frenzy Christ-like.
6.) Islamic Prayer (Adhān)
If you say you're nightly prayers, fine. But praying five times a day is excessive! I thought the Christian god was demanding. Allah is a hard-ass! Or is she just really needy? (Let's assume Allah is a busty black woman. Why not, right?)
7.) Being Mormon
From those funky "temple garments" to the belief that Earth is only 7,000 years old, the Mormons take the crazy cake. I'm hoping Jesus returns to America to pick up the Mormons and take them all to Kolob where they belong.
Many traditional Native Americans and those who practice Neopaganism often burn sage and other herbs to purify the body or a location (e.g. a new home). The reason I chose smudging is because I've seen it being done and it's so fucking bizarre. You'll rid your house of spirits AND set off the smoke alarms.
9.) Being Slain by the Spirit
Human psychology is so fucked up. The woman in this clip is "feeling the Holy Spirit" and physically reacting to it. People jump around, convulse, and even collapse to the ground. I'm neither convinced nor impressed by this portrayal of foolishness. Enough is enough, people!
10.) Snake-Handling Churches
I don't care what your reason is! If you handle a venomous snake in the name of the Lord, you deserve what the gentlemen is getting above. I'm at my wits end with you religious folk. You're giving the human race a bad name!
If you have something to contribute to this list, I challenge you to put it in the comment section below. I will respond and also love you forever.